


What lies ahead

by MiaCousland



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Goodbyes, Here Lies the Abyss, Husbands, Love, Pregnancy, Romance, Weddings, Wives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 22:03:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3705903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiaCousland/pseuds/MiaCousland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The night before Hawke and those from Skyhold have to travel to the Western Approach, important scenes from Hawke's life revisit her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What lies ahead

**Author's Note:**

> I am writing the Fanfic Steel and Shadow and this chapter is the latest one. However I'm so excited by it, I'm going to post it as a stand-alone story.
> 
> Warning : it is *made* of fluff.

_I had never seen Fenris nervous._

_I had seen him during the height of battle, wielding his longsword like the smiting hand of the Maker. Fighting our way through Kirkwall had shown me what he was made of. Even at this peak of endurance, when all about him looked like it would fall, when all those about him were bleeding, when I was on my last legs and I had turned to him to reach for his hand before I fell, I had never seen him nervous. He had always been the epitome of calm. Raging, terrifying, predatory composure, but calm nonetheless. Like the hand of an executioner waiting to fall, he knew his role in the killing all around him._

_But nerves? No._

_However, as I watched him pace back and forth in front of the small hall on the outskirts of Dairsmuid, waiting in the dusk of the day, I could tell that he was tense. The black frock coat he wore fitted his slender form and I marvelled that his small band of friends had managed to find something so exquisite and so tailored for this occasion. Silver embroidery wove up and down the edging , leaving the plain black material to shine. A high collar was luminescent with more silver threading but it was nothing compared to fine skin of the elf that wore it. Black trousers and waistcoat, sat on top of a crisp white shirt and made him look regal. His shock of white hair once again refused to fall into obeyance and it tumbled with a casual handsomeness the way it usually did. I smiled as I felt the fizzing energy in my stomach. His green eyes were riddled with impatience as he stopped to talk to a friend who laughed at him, laughed at the very unusual state he was in._

_Looking at him pacing and waiting for me, I could feel tears of joy prick at my eyes. The love of my life waited so close to me, waiting to see me, waiting to be with me. Across the small road, I gazed through the curtains out onto the street. My own friends had secreted me away in the building opposite and he had no idea where I waited. Maybe he thought I would ride in on a white horse, or a silver carriage, or on the back of a simple farm cart. But no, I would walk there. As simply as I had arrived in Kirkwall, I would walk to meet my fate. This had been arranged in the utmost secrecy. The Templars still hunted us, still fought through the streets of the city Fenris and I had come to love, just to find us. We would be leaving in a few days but as a last gift to those who had supported us, Fenris and I had decided to seal our lives together officially in front of our friends. Only seven would be present. Fenris and his two friends, me and my two friends, and the hedge mage who would officiate. There was no way that we could let more people know what we planned to do. There had been too much sadness and too much betrayal to let more know. We had fought that morning, we would more than likely fight tomorrow, but we had insisted that now would be the time and Dairsmuid would be the place. We would not let the Chantry take that from us. As I thought back over our lives together, I realised that I had been through too much to be sour in my life now. Not today. I refused. Refused to be anything other than ecstatic._

_It was my wedding day._

_"Are you ready?" a small, excited voice to my side said._

_I fought to keep the smile from breaking my face. Hansa, my dearest friend and the mage whom I had rescued first when I came to the city, looked to me with eyes that shone. The dress of white silk that I had been given to wear flowed with the liquid sound of beauty, wrapping around my legs as I moved to stand behind the door. The veil of Orlesian lace that had been smuggled in was placed over my face by my other maid Tia but not before I reached up under it to wipe away a tear that had beaded on my eye. My heart raced away with me and I ached to be next to him, before circumstances could crash in on us and change our story. The longer I stayed behind the door, the longer fate had to arrange some horrific mischance that would stop me marrying Fenris. With a deep breath, I nodded._

_Tia whispered some unknown spell and I felt arcana rushing before me as would a wind blow. As the doors were opened revealing me to him, I gasped. Weaving underfoot in tendrils of silver and moonlight, a path led me across the small space that separated my mirror heart from me. Hanging in the air, diamond sparkles shimmered and burst, lighting my way. At the other end of the magical pathway, I saw Fenris. He appeared as at the end of a tunnel, a look of joy dancing over his face. Our eyes locked and I saw nothing else. Nothing else mattered. A haze of glimmering light was in my peripheral vision as I became overcome with emotion. Inertia took me and it was a while I stood there, before a hand from behind pushed me with a soft giggle and I walked the short distance to be with him._

_As I drew closer to him, I saw him lift his hand and turn it to me, open and empty. Trembling, my fingers slipped into his and I knew he was there. Up until then, I had hardly dared to believe it was actually happening. So much pain and blood had soaked our time together that I was more than ready to believe that this delightful moment, this bliss, was nothing but a dream._

_"I take your hand in mine." he said, his deep voice rich with euphoria as his gaze searched my soul. The words were the first of a traditional greeting we had heard on our travels around Thedas. Our words to each other on our wedding day would reflect our time spent travelling, rescuing the mages and slaves we could. I could hear the muted squeals of delight from Hansa but I could do nothing to tear my eyes away from the green loveliness in front of me._

_"I take your hand in mine." I repeated back to him, my own voice little more than a whisper._

_With a smile, he lifted my fingers lovingly to his lips and pressed his mouth to them._

_"Anna Sophia Hawke, would you allow me to lead you into this hall, and in front of our friends, marry you?" came the loving question, another verse but this time from the Rivaini ceremonial book. A fitting tribute to our home for the past few years._

_At this question, one I had never known how much I wanted to hear until now, my heart felt like it would rip itself apart with love. A smile beamed out of my face as I gazed up at my husband-to-be._

_"I will."_

* * *

 

 

_Again._

_I had to go through this procedure again. After all this time, with the pain of the last mischance, I had to endure visiting the mage that Frederick had told us was sympathetic to our cause. Back in Kirkwall, it would have been easy. I would have walked the distance to Darktown and sat down on one of Anders' waiting blocks. He would have told me within moments. Maybe he wouldn't have even made me walk to him. We would have shared the information and he would have brought the necessary herbs to me in Hightown. But no, I had to make my way across Llomeryn during the night. Through streets aching with a dark need to relieve me of my purse or my life, past taverns that were little more than pits of greed and immorality, and along alleyways where shadows held secrets no mortal man should know. This den of thieves was my temporary home on my way to finding Varric. The letter was tucked inside a pocket close to my heart. Its subject matter was shocking indeed but my mission this night was of more importance than the events that grew out of the Frostback Mountains._

_We found the place eventually and my nose turned up at the smell of rank blood and faecal pestilence._

_"This place? Really?" I asked Frederick in horror and felt my hands grip my blades. Fenris made noises like he was readying to pounce on prey, a deep growl that rang out a warning to enemies in the area._  
_"Go in. You will see." he said mysteriously from beneath the thick hood that hid his face. "I have to return to the bakery, before Rowis burns the place down."_

_He held no love for his servant but the boy was good and true, and faithful to the mage cause. With a grim smile, he turned and disappeared into the night._

_We entered the building and I gritted my teeth against what I might find in there. A small room, rancid with musty air, greeted us and I locked eyes with a Qunari guard that sat slumped against one wall. Nodding to him silently, a look of malevolent desire deep in my eyes to warn him, he broke a small grin and bent his head towards a plain door he sat beside._

_"Enter." he commanded. "You are expected."_  
_"I will wait here for you, Anna." Fenris told me._

_The use of my first name told me how worried he was. Nerves grew in my own stomach because of it. He knew that I would want him to stay here with the guard, and I knew he would want to stay within sight of the Qunari. With a smile, he nodded to where my daggers still sat in their holsters. He knew I could take care of myself, violently and loudly, should anything be in there I disapproved of. A small kiss was given before I turned to the door._

_As I pushed it open, immediately upon the moment I passed the threshold, the smell ceased and the room that greeted sat warm and well-lit. A man sat next to a small writing desk, scribbling away in a book of unknown information. He wore clothes of a dull purple leather that had an air of functionality about them, as evidenced by the beaten, pitted nature of the leather. He was a small, thin man with wild hair and a bright look as he turned to look at me. Upon his face sat a look that could only be from one in the presence of a long-expected guest._

_"Messere Hawke, it is an honour to open my doors to you." he smiled brightly. "What you have done ..."_

_He wore a look I had seen a lot on my travels, that of a person approaching worship. It made me uncomfortable in the extreme. These people expected me to be nine foot high and able to wield the Maker's holy blades without breaking a sweat. They never expected me to be what I was; a woman who had seen injustice and done something about it._

_"I have done only what was expected of a decent Theodosian, Ser Nikol." I patiently explained, using words I had repeated countless times. I deflected his adulation aside. " Your quarters? It smells so rancid from the outside. But in here is so pleasant"_  
_"My dear Hawke, most people are stupid. They need only to smell something foul for their poor minds to say that what lurks inside is not for seeking. It is a simple spell to deter the curious and the dumb."_  
_"Did Frederick explain what we wanted?"_  
_"Not exactly. He said you had a stomach complaint."_

_I smiled._

_"Is that all he said?" I prodded dangerously, using the voice I reserved for interrogating slavers._  
_"Yes." he replied, confusion creasing his brow. "I promise. By Andraste's blood, I know not the real reason you're here. Though I suspected it wouldn't be as simple as a stomach complaint."_  
_"It is of the utmost importance that this conversation remain within these walls, Nikol." I stated, sitting down upon the chair he had shown me._  
_"Ah," he smiled privately, "I understand. You are not the first lady to visit me with a similar need. You wonder whether you are with child?"_  
_"My moonflow has stopped, by over a week and this is unusual for me. Most unusual."_  
_"There are spells I could use which I may yet do but at this early stage, it is best to use the old methods. Have you been told of this ?"_  
_"Yes." I replied as pain began to flood my voice._  
_"You have been pregnant before?"_  
_"Yes. It was unsuccessful." I said with gritted teeth. A smile of kind sympathy spread across his face, fatherly and compassionate._  
_"It has no bearing on now, in my experience. Let me have a moment to gather what I need."_

_From the dusty shelves around his office, he busied himself. Dried herbs were plucked from bunches that hung from the low ceiling and stoppered bottles were gathered, clinking together as he jostled around the room. Before long he had the necessary equipment for telling me what I needed to know and set everything down on his table._

_A clear jar was opened and into it was poured a clear water, slightly viscous as it seeped over the edge of its bottle. Other things were added but I paid no attention. Nerves were singing cruel songs into my stomach and I fidgeted on my seat. I had been pregnant before and it had been my life. I had been filled with a wonder as I waited to see the life that grew within me. However, Andraste had decided it was not meant to be. One morning, I had awoken to find my thighs slick with a sticky blood and my stomach cramping with unimaginable pain. It had not taken long for a mage to tell me what I dreaded hearing._

_"May I?" Nikol asked, brutally bringing me out of those most awful memories._

_Refocusing, I could see that he held a small needle and wore a patient smile. I knew what he needed. My forefinger was held out and I winced when he pricked it, squeezing the pad to bead the blood. A small crimson drop broke the surface of the skin and slowly he turned my finger over and held it above the jar. With baited breath, I watched the drop of blood fall from my finger into the glass jar that the mage cradled under it. What colour would the liquid turn?_

_"Green for pregnant, clear for no baby." Nikol reminded me, his voice low and full of anticipation._

_I could hardly believe how hard my heart was beating inside my chest. A clamminess started as I watched the red blood swirl around the liquid, uncertain which way I even wanted it turn. But I knew really. Deep within me I knew which way I wanted the test to go. Before long I had my answer._

_"Well, now you know." the mage said, looking up at me, wondering what I was going to do next. My mind was losing focus. Was that answer really what I wanted? Shakily I stood, with mounting emotion and knowing I needed to talk to my husband before I collapsed under the strain. This was too much, I couldn't deal with it. My hands felt the way back along the wall to the door and a clammy hand grasped the handle. Pulling it open, I walked forward into the waiting area, dumbfounded by what had just happened and staring into the air._

_"Hawke?" Fenris' worried voice called out as he walked over to me quickly. A gentle finger lifted my chin and he searched my eyes rapidly. "What did you find out?"_

_My throat had gone dry but as I looked up at him, I smiled. Two strong, warm arms wrapped tightly around me before I knew what was happening and I felt his face bury into my neck. The squeeze of his arms told me silently all I needed to know._

_We would be parents._

* * *

 

 

It was past two in the morning when I half woke to find the bed empty beside me. Sleepily I raised my head from the pillow and looked into the black room beyond the bed. A dull glow from the fire lit the chairs in relief and I saw that one had been turned to face the subdued flames.

"Fenris?" I called out with a croaky voice. "What are you doing?"

There was no reply but I knew he was there. I could hear the soft breathing and as I sat up I could see his feet beneath the chair. I pulled a robe around myself as I rose from the bed to go and find him. The floor was cold underneath, despite the heavy velvet curtains keeping the wind out and the fire to heat the room. I supposed that in the mountains it was always likely to be cold. I had resigned myself to that. Drawing closer to the fireplace, my feet sunk into the deep carpet that guarded it. Slowly I sat down on one of the other chairs and looked to see Fenris leaning forward on his elbows, staring at the red scarf I had given him long ago. A small bottle of wine sat uncorked on a table next to him.

"What is it, amatus?" I asked softly, bringing my knees up and wrapping them under me.

He took a deep breath in, keeping his eyes on the red piece of cloth that meant so much to him. Silence followed a long slow exhalation. The dying embers from the fire spat and crackled, the last remnants of burnable matter crumbling into the orange glow. Even that interruption faded into the nothingness that was the quiet. Eventually he brought his wonderful, deep jade eyes up to mine. A cavernous void of sorrow waited there and it near broke me.

"Tomorrow." was the only word he muttered.  
"Will be what it will be." I soothed.  
"Why do I feel like it will be more, Anna?" he demanded, not angry but desperate for answers. I had none to give him.  
"It is unlike any place we have been to - this is true - but we have faced dangers beyond numbers, Fenris. You and I have survived them all."  
"I know this, but still I cannot help but think that maybe ..."  
"Maybe this time is it?" came the incredulous answer.  
"What if I can't defend you?" he asked, before picking up the bottle and drinking deeply from it before setting it back down. Memories of his Hightown mansion flashed before my eyes. "What ... what if I lose you?"  
"You won't ever lose me, Fenris. Ever. The Maker could no more rip me from your side than ... than take the air itself." I implored.  
"I love you, Anna." he said, locking eyes with me again. "You are my wife, the mother of my child-to-be. I beg you to reconsider."  
"It is impossible, my love. I must go there. You know I must."

For a moment, I wondered about my answer. Yes, I had said to the Inquisitor that I would but did they need me? Really need me? Now they had the information out of Stroud, I was superfluous, surely? I could stay in this room with Fenris and wait for them to return. One less fighter wouldn't make a difference. But I knew that was wrong. The ache in my chest told me so. I had to go, had to see this through. Fenris knew it and so did I. There was no way I could abandon them now.

In a moment of loving abandon, I climbed down from my seat and walked the few steps to his chair. In the privacy of our own room, I could be as loving and earnest as I wanted to be. Beyond the door, in the guise of the Champion of Kirkwall, I had to remain aloof. I had to show that the Killer who had walked the streets of that fleapit city and waged war against the merciless bastards of the Templar Order, well she was still in me. Here though, my husband needed me for support. I lifted his hands and sat down sideways upon his lap, forcing him to sit back and curling up against him, kissing his cheek lovingly. His arms encircled me almost immediately.

"Amatus meium cordum, you will never be separated from me." I said devotedly, fearing to show him how my heart was breaking. How could I tell him that these were my fears also? The Western Approach may have been bad, but it was no worse than we had faced before. However, over the past day, in my sleep and in my broken dreams, the same desperate fears had captured me. I could not shake those worries off. "I will never be the death of you, Fenris. I love you too much to die and be apart from you. Even Andraste herself could not command me to stay away from you."

My fingers sought his face and I turned him to face me. His face was inches from mine. The sweet smell of the wine lingered on his breath as I felt the hot air from his mouth tingle against my lips. Swiftly I kissed him, my hand on his face pressing him to me. His lips were warm and soft, and full of the promises of all those times he had told me he loved me. Maybe there was desperation in there but I could hardly allay my own fears, let alone his. I felt his kisses deepen, turning not to raging passions but deeper than that. Desire and love and yearning need were what I could taste now. A keen ache to be part of me. This was different to how we usually slept together as man and wife but here, in this room, with our thoughts on the inevitability of tomorrow, it was just what we needed.

Rising from the chair, I took his hand and gently led him to the bed. As I stood next to it, I took the red scarf, the potent symbol of my love for him, and pressed it to my lips, feeling tears beginning to form on my eyelids. If this was the last time we would be together, I needed him to know just what he meant to me. It wasn't going to be in rampant fucking. No, it would be in the way we made love and in that intimacy that only we experienced. It would be in the words we used, words that only he and I knew. It would be in the way I held him, ran my fingers over his body, called his name into the night, and then lay in his arms.

I loved Fenris.

Whatever tomorrow may bring, tonight he would know that.


End file.
